I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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