Moan for me like Helen Keller
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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