my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
