I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
