Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
