I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize