Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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