Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
