Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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