On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
