I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
