Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
