Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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