I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I met the friendliest cop last night
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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