please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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