I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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