Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
