When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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