you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
