apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
