I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize