Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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