he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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