whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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