just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
