I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
