When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
third nipple confirmed
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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