In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
