As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
