the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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