I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
