He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
