if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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