No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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