I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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