I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
