how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
