Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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