Don't make out with my wife yet
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
