i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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