I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
