Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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