chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
