he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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