This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
