Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
