So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
