Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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