Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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