Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
