Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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