girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
