he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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