also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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