I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
