I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so let's talk penis.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
