So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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