it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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