It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
