He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
