I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
