So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
