Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
